Unlucky in Love

Why is it some of us are terrible when it comes to meeting people? Dating, attraction and relationships are tricky, this, a lot of us will know for sure. But some people always seem to be getting it wrong. They exchange numbers, dating follows, but then the phone stops ringing and the texts dry up. Not having met the right one yet or being unlucky in love will be banded around as excuses by considerate friends and mothers, but the more often this happens, the less plausible these excuses seem. In every friendship circle there seems to be someone that falls into this unfortunate category. So what are they (or you, heaven forbid) doing wrong?

As soul destroying at it sounds, when trying to meet a partner we aren’t too different to properties on the housing market. There is lots of competition and everybody wants a good one for themselves. Much in the same way that sellers straighten skirting boards and adjust off centre cupboards, we all adjust our behaviour and sell ourselves a little when meeting new people – especially if we particularly like them. First impressions are obviously important. One ‘feature’ we might not think too much about censoring or adjusting is how we express our feelings of liking towards who we are courting. Yet, how we go about expressing liking is rather important, as for want of a more romantic phrase, it massively affects our market value.

You like someone a lot – should you be forthcoming with these feelings or should you be far more coy? This is a question agony aunt columnists have been toiling over for years. The answer is maybe neither, or at least this is what recent research suggests. Psychologist Erin Whitchurch and her colleagues wanted to examine this question and took advantage of Facebook to do so. Participants from the University of Virginia were led to believe they would be taking part in a study evaluating first impressions made through Facebook profiles. As a participant in the study you find yourself perusing several profiles of members of the opposite of sex. Conveniently these profiles are other students’ profiles from a different university and they have previously been doing the same with yours. Now, you are either told that based on your profile, they thought; a) you were very attractive and they would like to be romantically involved with you or, b) you weren’t particularly attractive and they weren’t too fussed. Later on after a bit more snooping you are asked similar questions about them.

So what do you think? Do we find what we can’t have most appealing? The answer is no. Knowing someone is interested in you makes them more appealing than knowing the opposite. So, to some extent we should be favouring expressing our liking when meeting new mates. However, in another condition of the experiment rather than being told they really liked you or didn’t like you, you get told neither. You instead are told that because of the way the experiment has been set up, there is a 50% chance they really are into you and a 50% chance they really aren’t. So what was the result?This uncertainty brings about the most attraction, as this information increased attractiveness ratings of potential mates well above the effect that the other two types of information had. Not quite knowing their feelings makes that person far more interesting, you are thinking and wondering. It is also rather exciting. The result is you are intrigued by them and want more. This of course is what we would like to be feeling when first meeting people and what we expect from ‘the one’ (horrendous turn of phrase).

Practically speaking we definitely shouldn’t express disinterest as this and other studies show liking tends to be a reciprocal process. If you like me, I like you. But based on this study, although a little ethically questionable, maybe we should be trying to be a little more coy when first meeting new people. If one can do this in a way that doesn’t constitute game playing and is more a case of tactically holding back to avoid coming on too strong, then it seems like a good idea.

From what we know so far, moderation seems most sensible. Expressing liking is fine, but too much too soon isn’t probably the best strategy. But shouldn’t we just be able to shout our love from the roof tops and not have to worry about reserve and restraint? In an ideal world maybe, but in this world it is a bad idea, especially if your desired partner is somewhat of a cynic. Although liking is reciprocal, expressing too much liking too early one is dangerous because it can raise doubts over how often this might have happened before. You meet a guy, 2 dates in and he adores you and sings your praises a little too much. The problem here is that it can make one wonder whether you could be any other girl off the street. Coming on too strong too soon might have some slight advantage to start with, but then it may just come across as weird. You are in danger of looking unselective. This is bad territory to be in.

A 1970’s study by Walster and colleagues underlines this well. Making use of a dating agency rather than Facebook, researchers again found that playing it too cool is a bad idea. But they also showed that the way you express liking is very important. It turns out that if a potential partner gets the impression that they aren’t the only one you find appealing, they are really put off. Coming across as lacking selectivity in who you find appealing/desirable is massively unattractive. It isn’t entirely clear why, but feelings that our relationship being special or unique (something we hope our relationship should be) is likely to be called into question. Moreover, one can’t help but start to wonder – if anyone can have him/her is he/she worth having or are they just desperate? Most of us probably old an implicit belief that our relationships and partners should be something special and central to this concept is selectivity, so to commit to a partner most of us will need to feel that it is for something special.

Is all of this just common sense that we already know? To some extent this might be true and if you are happily paired up you might be even more inclined to agree. But my guess is that your over keen and very single friend might be getting things very confused. Keenly expressing liking early on might seem like a good idea on a few different levels. In your mind this may be a way of laying your cards on the table and ensuring you know you won’t be wasting your time on a lost cause. Showing you like someone in a more adult way might also seem like a good idea, as you might hope you will get them hooked and wanting more. The problem with both of these approaches is that they may be turning your desired partner off rather than on. It seems as though too much too soon can be a problem because it questions two things we crave from partners – 1) Feelings of excitement and intrigue & 2) That they want us - and only us.

Application

Don’t play too hard to get.
If you put it about, keep quiet about it.