Your Friends are Ruining Your Life

For fairly obvious reasons medicine and health has received its fair share of scientific study. Our hunger for anything vaguely related to health is underlined by the media’s constant coverage of advances in the study of cancer and obesity. Something would seem amiss if we were to flick through a newspaper and not read about new obesity rate projections, cancer population statistics or the scourge of passive smoking. We know more than we ever have about what types of behaviours are bad for us and exactly how bad they are (normally presented in a convenient percentage to maximise both ease of understanding and anxiety for readers). Yet, the scientific community has also started to uncover reasons why these risky behaviours persist and one of them is sensationalist and headline making, to say the least.

Your choice of friends can put you at serious risk of obesity, cancer and an early grave. Although a shocking and dramatic concept, much research has amassed in support of this. Evolving in groups and reliant on each other for protection we find ourselves as naturally social creatures. We care about our position in the group and because of this we can be swayed by the group. Classic psychology experiments by the likes of Stanley Milgram and Solomon Asch confirmed this notion over 40 years ago. Based on ingenious experimental studies Asch showed that in the laboratory we would follow the group and change our opinions and beliefs to fall into line with the crowd. But 40 years on we now know that these findings were not to be confined to the laboratory as recent research highlights the impact those around us have on personal health and well being in the real world.

A 2007 study led by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler published in The New England Journal of Medicine was one of the first hallmark papers in this area. The authors reported findings indicating that your likelihood of gaining weight and becoming obese drastically increased if a friend, family member or spouse has recently gained weight. In the case of a close friend, their recent weight gain increased a person’s chance of becoming obese by over 50% in this study. Similar findings have been reported for cancer screening and self examination – keeping company that aren’t of a health conscious nature significantly reduces ones likelihood of making adequate and regular checks.

So what explains these findings? There is thought that it is due to the operation of social norms. Generally speaking we look to what the norm is amongst those around us and then behave accordingly. One problem here of course is that large parts of society are overweight or unhealthy, which makes for norms we really could do without. A second problem is that research indicates people aren’t aware that social norms have such a strong influence on their behaviour. An interesting study headed by Lenny Vartanian showed that if participants believed their peers were eating a lot they followed suit and ended up overeating, but even more importantly they were adamant that social norms were not influencing their behaviour.

One obvious answer would appear to be to raise awareness about the influence unhealthy norms can have on our behaviour. But a more cunning and controversial approach would be to harness the power of social norms to help solve some of societies major health problems. Work from our laboratory this year has shown that informing people that a lot of people are actually trying to eat more healthily than might be expected has impressive effects on choice of healthier foods. In line with this idea a recent study in notable journal Psychological Science indicates that a similar approach could be adopted to nudge society in the right direction with regards to cancer screening. This kind of nudge approach has also been tested in the US to try and reduce high and irresponsible alcohol consumption and in doing so try and prevent burden on health, the economy and society.

Although possessing scientific backing, this strategy raises ethical dilemmas. Should we be using what is effectively propaganda to make society a healthier place to live? Is it justifiable to coerce, providing we have science on our side and are fairly sure it will work out for the best? Or should we forget fighting fire with fire and look elsewhere for the answer to society’s health problems? The alarming effect those around us can have makes for a great news story, but working out how we can tackle worrying levels of unhealthy behaviours   that are now becoming the norm yields an even greater challenge.

Unlucky in Love

Why is it some of us are terrible when it comes to meeting people? Dating, attraction and relationships are tricky, this, a lot of us will know for sure. But some people always seem to be getting it wrong. They exchange numbers, dating follows, but then the phone stops ringing and the texts dry up. Not having met the right one yet or being unlucky in love will be banded around as excuses by considerate friends and mothers, but the more often this happens, the less plausible these excuses seem. In every friendship circle there seems to be someone that falls into this unfortunate category. So what are they (or you, heaven forbid) doing wrong?

As soul destroying at it sounds, when trying to meet a partner we aren’t too different to properties on the housing market. There is lots of competition and everybody wants a good one for themselves. Much in the same way that sellers straighten skirting boards and adjust off centre cupboards, we all adjust our behaviour and sell ourselves a little when meeting new people – especially if we particularly like them. First impressions are obviously important. One ‘feature’ we might not think too much about censoring or adjusting is how we express our feelings of liking towards who we are courting. Yet, how we go about expressing liking is rather important, as for want of a more romantic phrase, it massively affects our market value.

You like someone a lot – should you be forthcoming with these feelings or should you be far more coy? This is a question agony aunt columnists have been toiling over for years. The answer is maybe neither, or at least this is what recent research suggests. Psychologist Erin Whitchurch and her colleagues wanted to examine this question and took advantage of Facebook to do so. Participants from the University of Virginia were led to believe they would be taking part in a study evaluating first impressions made through Facebook profiles. As a participant in the study you find yourself perusing several profiles of members of the opposite of sex. Conveniently these profiles are other students’ profiles from a different university and they have previously been doing the same with yours. Now, you are either told that based on your profile, they thought; a) you were very attractive and they would like to be romantically involved with you or, b) you weren’t particularly attractive and they weren’t too fussed. Later on after a bit more snooping you are asked similar questions about them.

So what do you think? Do we find what we can’t have most appealing? The answer is no. Knowing someone is interested in you makes them more appealing than knowing the opposite. So, to some extent we should be favouring expressing our liking when meeting new mates. However, in another condition of the experiment rather than being told they really liked you or didn’t like you, you get told neither. You instead are told that because of the way the experiment has been set up, there is a 50% chance they really are into you and a 50% chance they really aren’t. So what was the result?This uncertainty brings about the most attraction, as this information increased attractiveness ratings of potential mates well above the effect that the other two types of information had. Not quite knowing their feelings makes that person far more interesting, you are thinking and wondering. It is also rather exciting. The result is you are intrigued by them and want more. This of course is what we would like to be feeling when first meeting people and what we expect from ‘the one’ (horrendous turn of phrase).

Practically speaking we definitely shouldn’t express disinterest as this and other studies show liking tends to be a reciprocal process. If you like me, I like you. But based on this study, although a little ethically questionable, maybe we should be trying to be a little more coy when first meeting new people. If one can do this in a way that doesn’t constitute game playing and is more a case of tactically holding back to avoid coming on too strong, then it seems like a good idea.

From what we know so far, moderation seems most sensible. Expressing liking is fine, but too much too soon isn’t probably the best strategy. But shouldn’t we just be able to shout our love from the roof tops and not have to worry about reserve and restraint? In an ideal world maybe, but in this world it is a bad idea, especially if your desired partner is somewhat of a cynic. Although liking is reciprocal, expressing too much liking too early one is dangerous because it can raise doubts over how often this might have happened before. You meet a guy, 2 dates in and he adores you and sings your praises a little too much. The problem here is that it can make one wonder whether you could be any other girl off the street. Coming on too strong too soon might have some slight advantage to start with, but then it may just come across as weird. You are in danger of looking unselective. This is bad territory to be in.

A 1970’s study by Walster and colleagues underlines this well. Making use of a dating agency rather than Facebook, researchers again found that playing it too cool is a bad idea. But they also showed that the way you express liking is very important. It turns out that if a potential partner gets the impression that they aren’t the only one you find appealing, they are really put off. Coming across as lacking selectivity in who you find appealing/desirable is massively unattractive. It isn’t entirely clear why, but feelings that our relationship being special or unique (something we hope our relationship should be) is likely to be called into question. Moreover, one can’t help but start to wonder – if anyone can have him/her is he/she worth having or are they just desperate? Most of us probably old an implicit belief that our relationships and partners should be something special and central to this concept is selectivity, so to commit to a partner most of us will need to feel that it is for something special.

Is all of this just common sense that we already know? To some extent this might be true and if you are happily paired up you might be even more inclined to agree. But my guess is that your over keen and very single friend might be getting things very confused. Keenly expressing liking early on might seem like a good idea on a few different levels. In your mind this may be a way of laying your cards on the table and ensuring you know you won’t be wasting your time on a lost cause. Showing you like someone in a more adult way might also seem like a good idea, as you might hope you will get them hooked and wanting more. The problem with both of these approaches is that they may be turning your desired partner off rather than on. It seems as though too much too soon can be a problem because it questions two things we crave from partners – 1) Feelings of excitement and intrigue & 2) That they want us - and only us.

Application

Don’t play too hard to get.
If you put it about, keep quiet about it.

Being A Terrible Boyfriend in the Name of Love

Norms and convention guide us. In many contexts we internalise what other people are doing, what seems ‘normal’ and then behave accordingly. Forever changing fashion trends highlight this seemingly inherent part of our nature. Just as quickly as a look or style can become popular, as soon as others denounce it as being ‘so last year’ we move onto something else. It soon becomes forgotten and rarely seen. Although a good example of how we behave in line with norms and conventions, fashion trends probably aren’t too much of a serious issue. Yet, an issue arises when norms and convention cause us problems or stop us from living as well as we might do. Often following convention works out for us pretty well – sleep about 8 hours a day, look after your children, avoid going out on a school night and so forth. But it is an error of reasoning to take from this that convention and norms will always ‘work for us’. Relationships are no exception. I suggest that in some instances, following how convention tells us to behave in relationships isn’t a very good idea.

If you are in a relationship, generally speaking, you want it to work well. The benefits are obvious. But how should I behave in a relationship? What should I be doing? How should we be living? These are probably the kind of questions we should be asking ourselves if we care about our relationships. Our primary source of information is to look at what everyone else in a relationship tends to do. If we dig further, we might peruse women’s magazines and agony aunt columns. The problem with what is ‘normal’ and the contents of women’s magazines is that they aren’t necessarily right. Convention isn’t always worth following. When we think about accomplished chefs and scientists – they ask questions of convention and achieve excellence through defiance. Through trial and error they learn what conventions can be broken and dispensed with. So how does this relate to relationships? It suggests that there are likely to be some long established conventions we should drop and in doing so, improve our relationships. Backed by psychology I think I have found some. We shouldn’t be afraid of defying convention if such defiance can work for us. In contrast to what is expected of us in relationships, dependent on your disposition the good/bad news is that we should:

Avoid sharing our passions with partners

Avoid spending time with our partners all together

Watch our partners like hawks

Stop sleeping with our partners

Why shouldn’t we include our partners in our own passions? We shouldn’t because they might end up ruining them. Based entirely on gender stereotypes, it is likely that boyfriends accept getting dragged shopping and girlfriends put up with getting dragged to the football. But they shouldn’t be putting up with this at all. It is bad for everyone involved. We are all different: arty films, Chinese food and karaoke bring about diverse reactions, negative and positive. Having to do something you don’t enjoy (even if it is with your partner) is the first problem. I am all for trying new things, but if you are sure you don’t like something, you should avoid doing it. The other problem is that merely being there has the potential to ruin it for your partner also. Research by Raghunathan and Corfman (2006) has examined how sharing experiences can have a down side. Across a series of studies, in conditions of their experiments the researchers examined how enjoyment, of a film for example, can be influenced by how much your viewing partner likes or dislikes the experience. The good news is that engaging in an experience with a person who likes it as much as you do makes it more enjoyable than watching it alone. The bad news is that the presence of another person liking it less than you do drags your enjoyment down. Why does this occur? Seeing our partner having a more negative experience can do two things –1) make you question how similar and close you are - 2) cause you to question our your own views and integrate your partners negatives evaluations into our own. What about in the unlikely event that you partner is extremely considerate/a push over and suffers in silence? It may still be a problem because of mood contagion, whereby without knowing; the moods of our partners bring ours down too. Ramanathan & McGill have shown that our partner’s unconscious facial reactions have a rippling effect and influence us unconsciously too. The outcome being that our enjoyment is shaped by others enjoyment.

Thus, although shared joys seem like a good idea, sharing experiences that one partner doesn’t enjoy doesn’t work well for either party. This is also good news as putting an end to this will enable you to spend less time with your partner. After 10 years of marriage boredom can kick in (which works well for friendsreunited.com). People habituate to things and get bored of them over time. Food is a good example, the first bite of a meal is great but the last isn’t as good. Our reaction to a newly released song is the same. Listening to it for a while can bring about euphoria, but after having downloaded it and played it to death on repeat, we get bored of it a day or two later. What does this mean for relationships? In order to enjoy our partners more we should think about how often and when we see them. Studying habituation, Epstein and colleagues (2011) show that if we are exposed to something repeatedly we enjoy it less. However, if we partition and have a day off for example, habituation ‘resets’ and enjoyment is back where it started. Of course we shouldn’t stop seeing our partners (they’d get quite annoyed), but maybe we should be planning our time to help prevent monotony, pursuing activities and passions that can be enjoyed separately. A slightly more romantic spin on what is effectively systematic avoidance is that such planning would also allow us some time to enjoy looking forward to seeing our partner. Perhaps this could even help us appreciate them more (it has of course been suggested that absence can make the heart grow fonder).

Checking up on your partner’s whereabouts, reading text messages and questioning all of their plans isn’t a good idea. In this sense watching partners like a hawk is not advised. But we should be more hawkish in terms of paying more attention to how our partners behave, in order to work out who they are and what they do and don’t like. Research by Luo & Sneider (2009) suggests that investing time in properly getting to know our significant others is likely to be good for all. Examining different predictors of relationship satisfaction the researchers had sets of partners rate aspects of their personality and temperament, as well as rating what they believed about their partner’s personality traits. The extent to which couples were accurate and knew their partners well was important. It significantly predicted relationship satisfaction. Partners that knew each other well were happier with their relationships. How? I don’t know as the study didn’t examine this, but there is probably lots of interesting stuff going on. Knowing what others are like, what they do and don’t like and how they will react to different situations can make us more considerate and caring for their needs. In addition, if your partner can’t think what you would want for a birthdays or consistently gets you wrong, this would breed discontent in even the fairest. Paying attention to and asking questions about our partner’s wishes, aspirations and behaviour seems like something we should be doing anyway, but this research is suggestive that it may have tangible benefits too.

Perhaps the most common relationship norm of all is the sharing of a bed. Sleep is more important than you’d think. If an individual has a lack of it, or consistent prolonged poor quality sleep, they are more likely to suffer from adverse health consequences and research suggests perhaps even an earlier death. Does sleeping with a partner improve your sleep? No, definitely not. Does it make it worse? Yes, quite possibly, especially if you are a light sleeper. Cognitive ability and concentration is also hampered by lack of sleep, which can make for an unpleasant and unproductive day at work. If you aren’t a light sleeper and are extremely selfish you might be wondering why any of this applies to you. Well, lack of sleep also increases risk of weight gain, so if you prefer a slimmer build on your partners you might be out of luck too. Could tiredness and exhaustion also contribute to arguments and bickering? I would guess so. Should we be moving convention away from sleeping together and towards sleeping alone? This I am not sure of, but at the very least it underlines how most norms and conventions need to be poked and probed to assess their credentials.

What to do?

Avoid loved ones from time to time.

Tell your boyfriend to get bent next time he tries to make you watch football with him.

Pay more attention to your partner, they might do something interesting.

Give your girlfriend a blanket and show her where the couch is.