I can't be alone

I feel so sad today.... just want to be loved...and feel so alone, do you ever feel this way?? San. Extract taken from internet forum, answerbag.com

The answer to San’s question for most people would be yes. Feeling alone is common and is not enjoyable and because of this we strive to belong, to make friends and to form meaningful relationships with others. To some, San’s declaration of loneliness and such a need to belong might be perceived to be over the top. Yet, this blog discusses how such a need to belong is probably underestimated by many. This drive or ‘need to belong’ shapes who we are and how we live.

I (and academics) argue that this need is an exceedingly strong drive and is up there with other biological drives such as hunger and thirst. Why would we have to strive to belong? Evolutionary explanations are always popular when it comes to explaining human behaviour and forming tight knit social relationships and having friends does make some sense in terms of promoting survival. Such close relationships would be likely to be beneficial to both our own and our off-springs wellbeing. So, if there is good reason for such a drive to exist, what is the evidence for it? In this blog we will look at four lines of evidence. The first is the notion that we prefer those we have bonded with in order to maintain the feeling of belonging. The second is we are often extremely hesitant to break any bonds that fulfil this need. The third is that a failure to belong is damaging (which therefore promotes our desire to belong) and the fourth and final line of argument is that we rapidly attempt to replace bonds or attachments if we lose one. Then we will think about how the need to belong can backfire and not serve us well in life.

1) We prefer those we have bonded with in order to continue to be liked and maintain the feeling of belonging. Numerous studies show that if we feel attached to a person or we feel we belong to a similar cause (i.e. we see ourselves as part of a group), we are more likely to treat them well or help them out. For example, the bystander effect is a phenomena whereby individuals have the tendency to ignore others in need when part of a large group (‘surely somebody else will help?’). However, if we identify with the person in need the chances of ignoring their peril are significantly reduced. Another study that shows this preference is a somewhat unethical one by Masserman and colleagues (1964). The researchers taught monkeys that pulling a chain would provide them with food but also administer an electric shock to a nearby monkey friend. When a monkey had been cage mates with the poor monkey getting shocked, they would refrain from pulling the chain, to the extent that they would starve themselves for several days to avoid harming their monkey friend. It would appear that both we and monkeys want to maintain social relations and are more than happy to put ourselves out to do so.

2) We avoid breaking social bonds in order to feel as though we belong. The fact that most of us have friends that we find annoying is quite good evidence, but not very scientific. Kunz & Woolcott (1976) report a nice study that sums up this avoidance of breaking bonds. The researchers sent Christmas cards to would be participants. However, the cards were written by fictional people, who couldn’t possibly have been friends with participants in this study. What happened? A large proportion of participants sent cards back! Even when we aren’t sure whether people really are our friends, we appear to be motivated not to break bonds through the dreaded ‘you’re off my Christmas card list’. A less humorous example is provided by Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary (1995). Through surveying the literature they suggest a likely mechanism by which victims of domestic violence fail to abandon their abusers is because of the need to belong. They suggest that ‘the fact that people resist breaking off an attachment that causes pain attests to how deeply rooted and powerful the need to belong is’. We can therefore be mistaken in striving to maintain bonds even if they aren’t necessarily good for us.

3) If the need to belong really is a strong evolutionary drive then failure to achieve belonging should have negative consequences. This again is another well supported argument. In reviewing the empirical findings concerning this, Baumeister & Leary (1995) conclude that individuals who have strong emotional bonds compared with those that don’t, i.e. married or in a relationship vs. divorced, widowed or single, are less likely to experience psychological or health problems. Furthermore, 'alone' individuals tend not to live as long and these effects are further supported by findings that suggest remarrying (fulfilling the need to belong) reverses some of these negative consequences. In addition, perceived loneliness (failure to achieve belonging) has been dubbed as the most direct antecedent of psychopathology. If we don’t belong then things aren't great, which makes trying to belong something of a need.

4) We attempt to replace bonds or attachments if we lose one. This line of evidence I particularly like, as there are so many everyday observations of this. My favourite; A friend who disappears into the wilderness and makes little effort with their friends when in a romantic relationship, but then come crawling back wanting to catch up when it all goes down hill. It isn’t just my opinion that qualifies this argument either. Vaughan (1986) observed that when marriages are on the rocks and soon to be done and dusted, individuals begin to actively seek out new friendships and relationships. In addition, it is also likely that people are more likely to leave a relationship if they have some prospect of forming another one soon. Knowing there are plenty more fish in the sea is comforting, but knowing you will probably be able to catch one (and fulfill your need to belong) is even more persuasive to end a stuttering relationship.

It appears that there is good evidence for a strong need to belong - loads of it in fact. But how is it relevant? I would suggest it is very relevant as this need drives behaviour and can change the way we might behave. For example, a study by US researchers shows that individuals with a high need to belong are more likely to copy how much and how quickly a drinking partner is drinking. Although drinking a little more isn’t the end of the world, in the long run it is likely to be damaging. There are lots of other examples of how this need can make individuals follow the behaviours of groups in order to belong. Yet, these copied behaviours may well be at odds with our well being. Furthermore, the need to belong is likely to have driven individuals into bad relationships, caused poor decision making and made life harder for some. There is no avoiding it; we all want to fit in.

Perhaps the ultimate examples of the need to belong backfiring are religious cults. Such cults are thought to often prey on isolated individuals or families, possibly because being valued as an important member of a group that offers unconditional love and an identity helps to satisfy needs to belong. Yet, religious cults aren’t just a bit of a laugh. November, 1978; the ‘People’s Temple’ cult orchestrated a mass suicide in Jonestown, involving over 900 civilians, which included close to three hundred children.

Application

Turn old friends away when they come crawling back after having been dumped. They don’t like you, they just like the feeling that they belong.

If you are struggling to make friends, befriend a monkey. They are adorable, but more importantly, value friendship dearly and would probably give up their lunch for you.

Attention! Middle aged people – are you really married because they always have and will be ‘the one’ or is it because you are oh so afraid of waking up and feeling completely alone in the world?